What does my heart say? II

From the book “Exploring Social Psychology” by David G. Myers, published by McGraw-Hill.

Who Divorces?

Divorce rates have varied widely by country, ranging from 0,01 percent of the population annually in Boliva, the Philippines, and Spain, to 4,7 percent in the world’s most divorce-prone country, the United States. To predict a culture’s divorce rates, it helps to know its values (Triandis 1994). Individualistic cultures (where love is a feeling and people ask “What does my heart say?”) have more divorces than do communal cultures (where love entails obligation and people ask, “What would other people say?”). Individualists marry “for as long as we both shall love,” collectivists more often for life. Individualists expect more passion and personal fulfillment in a marriage, which puts greater pressure on the relationship (Dion & Dion, 1993). “Keeping romace alive” was rated as important to a good marriage by 78 percent of American womensurveyed and 29 percent of Japanese women (American Enterprise, 1992).

Even in western society, however, those who enter relationships with a long-term orientation and an intention to persist do experience healthier, less turbulent, and more durable partnerships (Arriaga, 2001; Arriaga & Agnew, 2001). Those whose commitment to a union outlasts the desires that gave birth to it will endure times of conflict and unhappiness. One national survey found that 86 percent of those who were unhappily married but who stayed with the marriage were, when reinterviewed five years later, now mostly “very” or “quite” happy with their marriages (Popenoe, 2002). By contrast, “narcissists” – those more focused on their own desires and image – enter relationships with less commitment and less likelihood of long-term relational success (Campbell & Foster, 2002).

Risk of divorce also depends on who marries whom (Fergusson & others, 1984; Myers, 200; Tzeng, 1992). People usually stay married if they

• married after the age 20
• both grew up in stable, two-parent homes
• dated for a long while before marriage
• enjoy a stable income from a good job
• live in a small town or on a farm
• did not cohabit or become pregnant before marriage
• are religiously committed
• are of similar age, faith, and education

None of those predictors, by itself, is essential to a stable marriage. Moreover, they are correlates of enduring marriages, not necessarily causes. But if none of those things is true for someone, marital breakdown is an almost sure bet. If all are true, they are very likely to stay together until death. The English perhaps had it right when, several centuries ago, they presumed that the temporary intoxication of passionate love was a foolish basis for permanent marital decisions. Better, they felt, to choose a mate based on stable friendship and compatible backgrounds, interests, habits, and values (Stone, 1977).